What To Do On A First Date | Step By Step Breakdown | Online to Offline
Hey guys Mike Toretto here and I just got back from a date so, I thought maybe I'd do a little brain dump go, through the whole process from start to finish and, what happened and see. If you guys get some value out of that. So. This. Was a daytime, lunch, date we met for we, met around noon right, near right around the corner from her work we, got, lunch together we chatted a bit and. Then. We went our separate ways so this is gonna be one, of the more common, types of date experiences. That you'll encounter. Where. You know things aren't really popping. Off like crazy there's, not a ton of like. Animal. We're, tearing each others clothes off type of attraction I mean, those dates are all great not not even necessarily, better. Because, you could be, totally. Like. Animalistic, ly attracted to someone who's wrong. Fit for you personality, or relationship, wise so. The physical part of it is only, one part personality, part is another. But. This would be I think one, of the more common. Scenarios. Where you're out together you're getting to know each other and you like each other but, it's, not like we need to go find someplace to hook up immediately, or else you. Know we're gonna explode so I actually didn't. Find this person from, cold, approach this person actually found me online. Using, a dating site I'm a fan, of OkCupid. That's kind of the only one I've really, I've, really spent a good, amount of time on plenty. Of fish match.com, ie, harmony, and then all the apps like tinder and bumbling et cetera et cetera I've just, if, I've used them at all I've just dabbled, and, I and I, found. OkCupid. To be good enough for my, my purposes, my, profile on OkCupid. Is, very, direct it's very straightforward it says hey, I'm a non-monogamous person. That, looks like this I'm into, these specific, things so hey if you're still reading. Then. We're probably a fit but you know shoot me a message and let's meet up so, my, online, profile works, really. Well for me it does the, heavy lifting for me, because if a woman has read my profile, and still, clicks, that she likes me or sends. Me a message saying hi, then. I know that we're already really starting, off on a, good foot so, there's. A lot of things about me like being, non-monogamous like. Doing combat sports like, you know. Enjoying. Mind-altering. Healing. Plants. That. Might scare a person away so, if you accept, all those facts about me and you're fine with them then there's a good chance that we're compatible enough to become, friends, at the very least so let's see where we go from there so. She, shot me a message she said hi on on. OkCupid. I said hey did you you know I actually, usually I asked people did you read my profile, because very often I will get people that click like on my profile, or they or they might even say hi and I'll say hey you know thanks, for thanks for saying hi have you actually read, my profile, and that's, when I'll lose them that's when they'll disappear because they go back and read my profile and go oh non-monogamy. Like I don't know if I'm interested in that in. This particular case I went to hope her profile. First and saw that she actually was nominal masti had a picture of her and her husband in her profile, so, I was able to respond to her like oh hey great to meet another non monogamous person so we're already talking about our compatibility, in your case maybe you have something less extreme maybe it's like a shared love of the. Patriots, football team or you, know a study. Of self-improvement. Or biology, or you know something so you're talking we were talking about our, our.
Shared You. Know something, that was important to the both of us that, we shared so in this case it was not monogamy, and I was asking, like how do you run. Your relationship, are you looking for a third like are you looking for me, to hang out with you and your husband are you looking for a one-on-one type. Of date scenario, she. Said that she appreciated, how direct and straightforward I am spoiler. Alert guys I mean we teach the stuff because it works most women like. A man who's direct, and straightforward now not, tactless. If I showed you that if I showed you the email messages back and forth you'd, see that it's just very straight into the point but it's not like it's not like Brutus. Or forceful, or they I want, to do these things to you it's just like hey. We're people let's set up let's, set up a date it shouldn't be this back and forth oh you. Know takes two weeks to respond or. You. Know or it's like what are you gonna do well what do you want to do someone. Needs to have an idea and it, should be in my opinion it should be the, the man should make the first go at it like I mean and I say this not should should, is the wrong word either. Person, could can take a run at it but most guys these days most guys that come to us for help are not. Taking, action they're not making any plans they haven't put the forethought into it so that's why I recommend hey, if you especially if you haven't been doing this sort of thing come, up with a plan so. Initial. Emails just. Maybe two back-and-forth, and then, at, the point where we decided like oh yeah we are gonna want to get to two we, do want to go on a date with each other I said hey let's move this to text and it was as simple as that hey let's move this to text here's my number, so she. Responded, to text and then we could move a lot faster than being on the the email system on the website and so, we picked it we picked a location. You. Know I said, hey you. Know where's it where's your work she, said where it was I got on Google, Maps I looked up the neighborhood, I said hey have you been to this taco place or this I Froyo, place or this whatever we. Decided, on a place and and. We met up so the. Laying out of the date should. Be very, straightforward I mean a lot, of guys they one. Of their biggest questions, is how do I turn a number, into a date how do I make sure she doesn't flake how, do I blah blah blah blah blah, how. You do, it is, that. You. Be. As straightforward, and, direct as. Possible, about your intentions, and the plans you want to make so.
That The other person, can show their genuine, enthusiasm or. Lack. Thereof, but. Most people they beat around the bush and they, try to put it on the other person they, try to say like oh you know well what's what's fun but you know they try that they. Overanalyze. And they try to put their. Best foot forward in such a way that it obscures their. Real personality. And, either. That. Ends up with you not, properly. Communicating. Like you're not really sharing true, information with each other because you're both sort of guarded. And on your best behavior and, not really being vulnerable. So. You end up wasting time or. There's. A mismatch in your openness where one person, is looking to Nick to, connect is looking to be more vulnerable is looking to like have, a soul to soul conversation, and the other person is too afraid to do that so that disconnect, will come off as a lack of chemistry, and. Maybe one. Of the one party might even be thinking like why are you wasting my time like, if you were gonna just show up here to, be this closed off or to do that interview. Style you. Know job interview type of type of thing then why why, would you even take. The time and energy to do it. So. That's why we want to be honest. Direct authentic, straightforward, and just, let the other person react however they're gonna react we are not afraid of how the other person reacts because if they react negatively that, saved, us time that, means that we're not highly compatible and that's, okay, most people who aren't compatible with you they won't react negatively they'll. They might be a little letdown they might be a little disappointed they might be like oh okay I if. That's what you believe will I believe something different so you, know, but. It's usually neutral, to positive when. You're sharing when you're expressing yourself even if someone disagrees with, your lifestyle, or one of your belief systems if you, can express it confidently, and positively. They're. Likely to respect, you for that you know people, sort of recognize, that. Expressing. Yourself being honest being truthful these are these are tough things and, they seem to get tougher every year in our current culture so when, you, have. The balls to do that when you have a confidence, to be yourself. Usually. You get respect even if someone disagrees with with, your opinions and when, people respect each other they're not gonna scream and yell at each other and bite each other's heads off and call each other names or all these things that you're afraid of when, you're not being yourself those. Are unlikely. To happen so she found me on OkCupid. We, corresponded. Over, the OkCupid, email over the course of a couple days there, were definitely some times there this is another thing that I need to put put out there for guys so number one how did she find me I, will. On the website, enough. That. The algorithm. Scooped, me up and by enough I mean like after. Maybe. Over, a year of not signing, into the website I signed into the website and I sent like two or three messages, right you can't just sign in you have to be active on the website send, a couple messages so when, I became active again the algorithm, you know put me in the put me in the mix again and she, was able to see me when she signed on so if I hadn't been at, least doing a tiny little bit of upkeep which I very, frequently, don't do I go long stretches of time without going. Online because I have so much real-life real-world interaction, but if you're looking to make online work for you you need to sign in send a couple messages just for the sake of sending those messages and being in the algorithm like we're detached from or. Not attached to the outcome of those individual. Messages sure we hope but, we're not you. Know concerned, if they send, it and forget it as I say so, anyway a week or two prior I, had done a send it and forget it to someone completely unrelated that, put me in the algorithm that showed my, profile, to her she sent me a message ba ba ba here we here we are so I actually. Commuted. About. 45, minutes into, the city to meet up with her for what I knew, would be not, much not, much longer than our lunch. And then a 45-minute, drive out so 90 minutes in the car for, an hour to. Meet somebody, where. It could it might not go well right so, the.
That, When you're making a time investment, like that you, have to ask yourself, okay, is this gonna be worthwhile to me even. If it doesn't go well and the, way that I thought about it in this situation was yes, number, one it gets me out of the house it gets me out in the sunlight meeting, meeting new people and, also I love I don't mind a commute when it's when when I'm not being forced to go to the destination right if it's my daily commute when, I used to have one that, sucked, but if it's just the amount, of time it takes to get to a certain place that I already want to go to then, that's. Fine, that's just normal right. So. So. I enjoy. Being out in the car I was gonna listen to some podcasts so I felt like I'm gonna get some work done because, I'm gonna do some learning and. To be outside and then I'm gonna go eat in a new place I've never been at before so, all these positive new experiences, and these are these are separate. From, what. Might happen with the actual date so, the, date is once, if I'm thinking to myself okay I like, I don't mind this stuff I have to go through to make the date happen and then, if the date goes well even. Better and I've. Also been experienced. Enough with dating that if it weren't, going, well I know how to to. Stop, it and extricate, myself you. Know politely enough and and you know make sure there's damage control and get out of there and not really waste my time if that were to happen if, I were to walk in we were to see each other and we were to be like oh yeah. This is this is a no-go which I actually have been on, a date like that before um. We. Could have we could have decided not to continue, with the date and she's. Walking distance from her job yeah I did, a drive but now I've got some free time in the city I could walk around no. Harm no foul no big deal you. Get really upset if people. Flake or they're late or or, the, date doesn't go well if you're. Going, beyond. Your, boundaries. If you're breaking one of your own personal, rules or boundaries to invest, to overly, invest, in the, date so, you. Know if I had driven out there and it was a bad date and it only lasted 20 minutes you, could say like oh you drove 90 minutes, to have, a 20 minute interaction, that wasn't worth it you must be pretty frustrated, and I, would say not, really because like, I said I enjoyed the process I enjoyed, the. Action I was doing, like you know I I don't know if you would call it right action, in the sense but like I was, doing it for its own sake and not, for the. Potential outcomes, of of the, date so, I'm actually not upset I'm not frustrated no matter no matter how it goes and I've.
Also Done the calculus, that if it was to, go bad I still wouldn't mind I hey. I could take that that hour of time that I have and go. Approaching, just do an hour of approaching I was already gonna spend that time on social interaction, right so, now I get the hour back and go out get more phone numbers meet more people have more conversations, who knows so, so. What I the. Advice there is don't. Agree to dates. That you, think would be too much effort for you to make if the, date weren't to go well because then you're, automatically. Putting. Pressure on the date situation to to, go well in order to make everything else worthwhile, if that's the way you see it if you're seeing it in such an algebraic, way then, don't. Do it because you, know if. Something goes wrong you're gonna get inappropriately. Upset and it's gonna just make you that, that. Much. More less likely, to. Enjoy. The dating process going. Forward right this needs to be fun this needs to feel like it's not a ton of investment, that it feels like an appropriate investment otherwise. You quit, quit, the game before you before you get the chance to succeed so. We're on the date and actually. As soon as I saw her I can tell from her, body language that we were mismatched, in our in. Our energy level and our. Communication, styles at least for today. So. I would say you, know overall, there. There. Was some connection there was definitely, enough connection for there to be a friendship, but. And then there was some sexual tension we were definitely talking about some sexy things that, put, the thoughts in my head right, but. Overall, it, was it felt a lot like me, talking to fill up the space and her. I don't know I I don't know if she was just naturally like that or if I overwhelmed, her with my energy now here's the thing I as, you as you can see from this, past 15. Minutes I've been talking to you already I talk, a lot I have, a lot of energy I you. Know I'm really, on like, I'm in front, of you I want to talk I too i face-to-face, yeah come with me on this mental, journey let's do this stuff together that's. Not a fit for everybody for some people that makes, them go oh how. Do I deal with this Oh what does he want from me oh my god am I doing this right oh it's it so, it can make other people feel intimidated.
Or Or, like they should say less or quiet people it can make them even more quiet I'm aware of that impact. Of my personality, on other people but here's the thing. Those. Quiet, people, those people who can't hang on my level I have nothing against them at all but, they. Are less, likely to, want. Do the kinds of crazy things that I like to go and do like that's why there's a personality, mismatch. Having. A higher energy level a more in-your-face style, you tend to do higher energy, more. In-your-face stuff. People. That are super, quiet and demure, and they sort of seem like they're hiding from other people and whatever else like that. I. Would, be surprised, to see that person on the top of a mosh pit or on the top of a you know crowd, surfing be like ya know and like totally, nuts I I definitely seen, that happen before but, I'm just saying it's less likely like these quiet people tend. To you. Know how you do anything is how you do everything sometimes. That's. A contradiction. So. Yeah so I was already thinking okay, well if this is how she does first impressions, if this, is the you know the communication, style there's, a significant. Disconnect. With, these energy levels and if. We're going to continue being friends that's something that I will have to be sensitive of as, the person with the higher more off-putting, energy my, calibration, needs, to be that hey when I'm around this person maybe, take it down a notch or if, you're not gonna take it down a notch don't. Don't, let yourself, be upset, when they're not mirroring. Your energy or you, know coming along you, know basically just take. Care of yourself and don't, worry about the other people don't put pressure on them to change and also don't put pressure on yourself to to, change if you're, so, incompatible, that you can't you know that you that you actually scare. The other person off well, this is a good thing why would you want to force. Somebody to stay with you that's uncomfortable, and why. Would you want somebody around you that feels. You, know put off by your energy doesn't make sense so, some. People some coaches would tell you to, you, know be. Really. Sensitive that to this kind of stuff and then and then try. To sort of change to it to address it and I. Say no don't worry about that it just means that every once in a while you're gonna have some some dates that where there's not, a lot of connection, and that's okay that just means that person is not a romantic partner for you so. On my. Date, it. Was still quite an enjoyable date but I I. Say. All the time play, Captain Obvious, all people out in the, moment describe. What you're seeing so at one point I asked, her we're sitting you know we were in an awkward position on, these sort of like bar stool areas. At this lunch place and she. Was she was sitting kind of like this the whole time so I'm on this side and you. Know she's sort of like arching. Away with the arm in front of her like a like a bar and I. Said I said. Hey is my is, my energy you know, am I too intense, for you am i scaring you off I know I haven't shut. Up and. And, she was like no no not in the air I could see in her face that no she was fine she was totally comfortable I was like okay well your your body language is actually telling me something different she was like oh oh, shit okay yeah you're right sorry about that and she totally changed your paw honestly it was as simple it's like taking the bar out of the way and just turning your body towards me a little bit so, that's. Where your responsibility, your, responsibility. For the conversation comes, in you. Want to be aware of the signals that people are sending you and then be checking in with them so, her, body language said like hey this, isn't going well but. If I were to just trust. In that without asking her a question I might, I might, unnecessarily.
Start, Thinking poorly of myself going with oh my god you're you're, tanking this this this is going so well so so poorly you're. Clearly disconnected, you're you know you're or. Whatever, but. We can't do that because emotions. Are predictive. So, when. I look at somebody's face and I. See what what I think is a certain emotion. That's. My brain making a prediction, based, off all the other knowledge I've had but all the other experiences of the emotion that I think I'm currently, perceiving. But, I could. Be wrong right because, my brain is making a guess based on the other information but I could be wrong she, might be thinking really, really, hard about a conundrum and. Not, angry, right if I make this face I could be confused, or I could be angry so, we got to ask so I checked in with her and I said hey what's that about and we. Cleared it up so I was like okay good you weren't as far, as far off the, mark as you as you thought you were I also said hey I think there's, a difference in our communication, styles like I'll talk, to fill up the space and it, seems like you know you like to be more quiet she's like oh yeah yeah but again when, we're noticing these things and we're calling sort of we're calling out the facts it's. It's. These, aren't negatives, these are basically saying like okay this is where how I am this is how you are we're getting an understanding of each other we're starting to see how each other works so, this is where a connection, gets built, I. Would. Say that our level of connection on this first date wasn't, extremely, high but, it was high enough for, us to want a second, date and probably. In a more intimate environment where, you, know it's not lunchtime in the middle of the day and we can actually you know environment, helps the environment of your date helps there's a reason why people go out to dimly lit restaurants. At, night it just gives you that greater sense of privacy as much. As we were talking about all kinds of stuff during the date. Like. I mean, topic conversate topics of conversation when, you're on a date with me include things like you, know sex drugs, non-monogamy. All, you know countercultural, ideas all kinds of stuff and while, we were having that conversation and. Perhaps, loud enough for people around us to hear I'm not sure I did get a look or two. It. Still, doesn't feel as intimate. Or private, as it would if it. Was a more. Dimly lit place or perhaps, even an environment, that was loud enough to drown out the background noise but not so loud that we couldn't hear each other or better. Yet just alone. In each other's in one of the other persons houses just having a conversation on a couch somewhere, those. Are the types of environments, that lend themselves much more towards, physical, intimacy and, telling. You, know deep. Dark secrets and stuff like that so, I think you want it when you're when you're sitting across from a person and you're trying to figure out what level of connection. You're having I don't think you should say to yourself oh well this was this is going poorly. Just. Because you're not you. Know super, intense about it in the middle of the day or some early, evening or happy hour or something like that so, again conversation. Stuff people are always like what do I talk about on the date me, I'm not really one for a small talk we do the small talk thing for the first five ten, minutes maybe. You. Know oh, where are you you, know whether, workday.
Bla Bla bla but, then I always wanted to get a little bit deeper so like you, know not just where are you from but, what was it like growing up there what, made you move like ask people, about the transitions, in their lives because, that's usually where there's a good amount of activity, and a, strong memory you know Oh tell me about the time you moved from Michigan to Boston, you know why did you choose this school are you still are you still you know connected. To your to that area what happens when you go back you know things like that things that and and all by the way I'm also curious, I'm a super, curious person so, I actually want to know these answers I am. Interested. In figuring out what makes people tick, what. Motivates, them what emotions, are the strongest, driving, forces, in their lives so, that's always, where. I try to take things so, I mean if we're talking about weather, and it's. Pretty extreme weather like I might say well, hey do you go skiing, or snowboarding oh how long you've been doing that what got you started how, do you feel like is it one of your hobbies is a blah blah, it is great let's keep talking about it it's not okay move on to something else but I'm looking for that, deeper emotion always looking for the emotion, people, you. Know people get tired and get bored of talking about facts. But. Emotions, like you could talk about emotions, for four, days and it's not like it's not when I say talk about emotions I'm not saying like sit. There and go oh love. Is great isn't it how do you feel love I feel love this way although honestly, that. Sounds like an interesting conversation, to me I mean. Like hey, she says oh it's my hobby to go snowboarding, I've been doing it since I was a kid Oh what, got you into it oh my dad taught me okay, there's love for a parent there there's you know that so now we're talking about in, talking, about skiing we are also talking about love. For the parent and then we can relate to that oh my dad taught me how to uh you. Know how to play basketball or, something, like that but.
In This specific case it was. I. Have actually been listening, to a woke, ass-fuck podcast, on my drive in, so. It's, soon, as I walk in I was, like yeah, so, I was listening to Podcast, just now about, blah-blah-blah-blah-blah. Just listing all this whoo-whoo, spiritual. Crazy, shit, and and. And, I was like so, how, whoo. Meaning like crazy talk unprovable, not scientific, whatever. How, whoo whoo is your version of spirituality, was the first question, I asked and. She goes what. But. She she actually got it later on later. On in the date she actually told, me that her her husband, remembered not monogamous people her, husband, is a, is. A guy that believes in some. Of the very things that I was sort of like half, making fun of when I first got there so. I was like hey like I don't I don't take these things literally but I think they might be useful and then later on the conversation, she's like my husband takes some of that shit you said literally so, I don't know maybe I shot myself in the foot but anyway, so. Yeah so right away just bonkers. Conversations. Conversation. Stuff about spiritual, about shit that I care about shit that I'm interested, in shit, that I want other people to have a discourse. With me about because I think it helps the two of us move move, forward and get clarity on you, know things in our lives so anyway, we talk we start off with the spirituality, conversation. We, move into discussing, our non-monogamous, you, know boundaries, and lifestyles, and how we set things up how we got there why we do this again why the emotions why we do things we do we. Talked about travel. How far we'd gone outside. Of the states and, you know what, reasons, there was a I mean we could have talked there was a lot more we could have talked about there. But. Then we got distracted by the next conversation, which is something one of the tell-tale signs of a good conversation is you. Know you start with one thing and it's really interesting but then something some other really interesting thing happens and you go talk about that and it sort of jumps all the way around and sometimes it loops back and you know, that's. How you can tell it's a good conversation doesn't, necessarily, need. To flow right, it can start and stop I've had certain certain, students that are really concerned with conversation. What, do I say, especially, what do I say if she's not saying anything so in my case the. Conversation would, reach its natural end of whatever we were talking about and then. There would be silence, now, I can sit comfortably in silence I don't I don't get awkward from silence. I'm sure I try to be aware and, I have a very calm energy so I don't, think that silence, with me is as awkward as silence with maybe somebody, else who's not so calm but, at the same time I'm thinking well if they're not talking there's. A chance that, they are feeling anxious and I don't want them to continue feeling, anxious so, I'll keep. Doing those sort of the heavy lifting of the conversation, and by, that I don't mean like I'm gonna just keep talking, and not shut up I mean I'm gonna have to think of some good questions that. Are really, gonna get this, person engaged. I've. Got to shut off your alarms when you're recording Internet videos so. Yeah there were a couple times where I had to come up with a question now these questions you, can have these thought of ahead of time and I, call these questions questions, that get you actionable, information they're, questions, whose answers, reveal. Something about the person's, personality that. Can tell you whether or not you're compatible. So if, I'm interested, in a person who's really loyal and and is capable. Of having long-term friendships, so I'll ask the person hey you know what, was your do you have a best friend how, many what's your longest best friend relationship you know I'm looking for people to tell oh I've known this girl since we were kids and we're still super close and you, know cuz that tells me they're able to maintain relationships. Through the ups and downs of of normal. Life you can ask a person you know where. Have you traveled cuz usually a very. Well-traveled person tends to have a more open mind be, more you, know more accepting of different cultures less, racism, all that other kind of stuff more understanding, of how the world works, you. Can ask about levels of education, and all kinds. Of stuff but it's good to have a couple deeper. Questions, you. Know in your mind based, on things that are important to you so that when the conversation, does die down or it does dip or you are with somebody who maybe takes more, than one date to really open up.
You. You, they're. Not feeling like they're sitting there in awkward, silence you can get them talking because we're asking meaty, questions, we're asking questions that aren't just yes/no. Answers, you, know things that require some thought that also. Sub communicate, to a person hey this. Guy is actually interested. In me he actually wants to know me beyond just my you know just my face in my body so as, the date wrapped up she, was right, around the, corner from her office so I offered to walk her back to her office a little bit so it wasn't such an abrupt ending but then we got to the end of the corner she was like I'm actually a 10-minute walk and I was like okay you know I'm gonna let you go. But, I said, you know I was seating the next date I was like so you know do you have fun you want to do this again she was like yeah yeah it's like okay well scheduling, we talked about scheduling, scheduling, is gonna be an issue so it might be a while until I can see her again we're both pretty busy like we're both in relationships. But, I mean I could easily see us having another lunch and then maybe after a few lunches, we can figure out a night time scenario. Or something but, this, was one of the situations if I if I were to if. I were to never see this person again I wouldn't, be upset because like I said there was there. Was a good, chunk of compatibility, missing, from the initial interaction, on. The other hand if I. Do see, this as a situation that can that can blossom, that can open up as the. Other person becomes more comfortable, with me and my energy and my sort of in-your-face style. Because. You know through the course of our conversation like, I said we were trying to you know trying to build some sexual tension we were talking about hey what's the craziest sexual, thing you've ever done you, know what what place will habla and the answers, that she gave made me go like okay, maybe there's maybe there's some more than meets the eye here, like this isn't just a quad, jut it's not just a quiet person, there's more layers as more dimensions, but, that wouldn't have happened if I, didn't have the balls to take the conversation in, a sexual direction, and ask those kinds of questions you know and not be afraid of, coming. Off as like weird, or creepy you're perverted because, if she's, on a date with me and she starts thinking that well that's, clearly a mismatch. We should we're. Not compatible we should reject each other and. That's healthy and that's what rejection is for. But. Yeah so we we, set it up we discussed things, I said hey I'll shoot she checks later and then I did when I got home like I said had a bit of a drive so, yeah so the my plan is to keep, in touch if, the, conversation. Over text remains responsive. And lively, like if we're able to sort of maintain, a conversation passively.
That Way then, I'll be further encouraged, to set up a future date with her and if, she shows up on that then maybe I'll invest a little bit more in the friendship and, whatever, but again we take it slow we don't over invest we invest only as much as we feel the investment, coming from the other person, at the same time we're not afraid to go first we're not afraid to you, know put that energy like I clearly put more energy into today, than she did for all I know for all I know I don't, know maybe she was up in her head about it for days probably not but you know who knows but, it's seen up it seemed like I was investing, a little bit more than she was overall. But, you can't be keeping score you can't be you, can't be going like well I did this and then so you do the coz then you start making covert contracts, nice guy behavior it's poor boundaries it's not direct all kinds of bad shit so you. Know be willing to go first be willing to make the first move to, invest a little bit and then test the waters see how it see how it comes back so now of course. This. Could go a different way - she, could respond and she could say hey I thought about it and I actually don't think we're that compatible, blah blah blah that wouldn't come as too much of a shock to me so, yeah we the. Point that. I'm trying to make here is even, though you've gotten a number even though she's shown up for the date even though you went you had a really nice date and it was a good time we're, still not. Jumping. The gun we're not thinking. In the future we're staying and they were trying to stay in the present moment we're, trying to stay focused on the here and now as much as possible and say, okay how do I feel is that is, this an appropriate level of feeling does, it you know am I gonna do anything stupid from this feeling is it infatuation, is it lust was whatever and we. Slowly. Explore. These feelings with another person over the course of weeks and months so. That way by the time we're, agreeing to something like a relationship, we've, really, done a more, due diligence than, people usually do, because people just run into these things without and and, that's why so many relationships fall apart at the three-month mark the six-month mark. You. Know pretty early on because you weren't really compatible to begin with so if you're. On a bad. Date or a date with low connection, don't beat yourself up don't worry about it it, could mean that you're just in front of somebody that isn't. As compatible, as you'd like them to be but could take too or three dates to open up do you have that time to invest do you want to invest that kind of time these are questions that only you can ask. Or. Maybe. You find that you're just, not compatible and that's okay I mean, that's what dating is for dating, is not for you, know. Dating. Is not just. The couple, our. Thing. You need to slog, through to, get to the sex like. It's not just well, if I want sex so I have so I must go on dates in order to get the sex if that's the way that you're treating dating then you're gonna have a bad time and you're, gonna beat yourself up for bad dates and you're gonna get resentful towards women and all of that kinds of stuff but, if you're treating dating as just a way to be curious about another person, and. Investigate. Each other and sort of you, know bounce off another person to hint no. Pun intended to - to. See how you fit, then. Great but, then you're never gonna waste your time because it's always just I'm curious is this a fit yes it was great bonus, no, it wasn't okay no big deal I still got to meet another human and each time you do that each time you sort of meet someone and interact with them and sort of compare, are we aligned here I, think, you learn a little bit more about yourself and, about what you want and about what you're really looking for, so that way on the next date and then the next woman you approach in the next conversation, you have you can be even more efficient, even more well, targeted even more calibrated, so. That was my little breakdown, of my my, recent date today oh one, thing I do recommend, I do, recommend that on every first date you, at least try. To go for the kiss now, I did not do that on on, in this particular case, for, for, two reasons one there. The. Conversation. The stuff we were talking about it just never really got sexy, enough it just didn't feel like we were creating.
That Tension now I'm still the type of guy to be like hey, I don't even need any kind of preamble. You, know come here and give me a kiss or hey we should kiss and now I've even said this to people getting their phone number like hey we don't even know if a. Dates, worthwhile until, we kiss so why don't we get it out of the way now right so I'm not afraid of that but I just felt like okay this feels really forced, so, you. Know I'm, just, gonna save it until until. We a nighttime date or something like that I don't think, in this specific, instance, that. It hurt me to, not make that move because. Like. I said my energy. Level difference I feel, like going for the kiss would have been even more of that too. Of that too much energy now that's me I'm also I'm. Also been at this for a while when, in doubt go, for the kiss. She. Could be thinking she. Could be thinking well you know he didn't go for the kiss he, might not be as attracted. To me as I would like him to be and, therefore. You know I'm not as attracted to him anymore or something so that is the risk that you run when you don't go for the kiss so usually better to at least try. But, yeah I thought maybe you guys would be curious about that so that was my little deconstruction. Of a date I hope that you got some value out of that let me know if you have any questions in the comments below or, contact, me over email Mike at Sascha py comm and hope. To hear from you guys soon take care.