Alternatino - Season 1 Premiere - Full Episode
Oh. Hold. On just a minute there buster, dad I'm supposed to pick up Emily in like ten minutes I gotta go Emily, can wait for a little bit can she you got a minute to talk to your old man don't you have a, seat. You. Know sudden you, you're. Not a kid anymore oh no, I go to health class stop I already know all the stuff well they don't teach you about everything in health class okay, mr. smarty pants so just listen when. Boys and girls get a little older we, start getting, interested. In one another all right you know and non-binary, people a gendered. Inter-gender, FTX, gender-fluid. People. What. There's, more than just boys and girls now that and they're, not girls they're, women yo. Okay sure. My. Point is that. Sex. Is a it's. A very important, decision how, are you defining sex, sex. Is different things to different people. I guess, when what, a penis goes into vagina. What if there's two men or two women or, more more, how would you define sex with multiple simultaneous partners. Or what if somebody's undergone genital, reconstruction or, or is it your sex no but I'm just talking about normal. Come. On dad okay, here we go let, me ask you this son. Are you attracted to women yes, but, I'm young. Is. Emily. A woman, biologically. Okay. You, attracted to women Emily's. A woman so. If you were to have sex with Emily I wouldn't just have sex, with Emily we'd, have to make that decision together homecoming. Is not an excuse, to ignore consent, I'm not saying to ignore consent, I never said ignore consent you. And Emily right. Consensually, decide to have sex vaginal, yes, vaginal, just two of us how many people do you want guess just the two of you card and I'm playing the traditional, male role go. To homecoming you seem like you really wanted to talk about this no no I don't want to talk about anything ever. Again so, I know please. Do oh. Thank. You don't, forget her size. Hey. Dad yeah. How. Do I look. You. Look very handsome son, that's. Gender, coding but get out of my house. So. Yeah that's why some people say it's the most noble profession. Yes. So. Our total. Don't. Say like that our. Tara yeah, our total, okay. What was it like growing up in what they mala I, mean that must have been crazy yeah I don't know about crazy uh well. Other than the suburbs. Like. A sexy, Guatemalan, street much the. Kali, like. Lassie, did. You have a big family where there like a lot of you just squished. In under, one roof oh my god yes I have three sisters you know and we all had to share four bedrooms and my parents had the master bedroom so it's a, little snug yeah, huh. You. Know I'm when. I saw you on tinder I was like wait, a minute, this is that Colombian, drug lord I was. Like this guy's hot oh, thank.
You Yes that's me I'm vaguely like the show but then I met you, that's. And in person you're sort of like. Delicate. Delicate. Yeah like mm like your hands, look really soft and, your face is like um, like. A tiny little baby's face I'm, a pretty basic moisturizing. Regimen yeah my ex Julio. He was this. Latin. Lover and he was just so, and. You're, more like hmm. You, know does, that make sense. Like how, yeah. I'm gonna go was, investment no. Home. Without. Without, me right. Without. Without. Me right. After. The devastation, of Hurricane Maria, the president, is here in puerto rico to offer support, to traumatize civilians. In desperate, need of federal, aid as you. Can see he's now at one of the tables distributing. Supplies to, the locals. Oh. What. Happened, you got elbowed, in the head you've been out cold for, like ten minutes, Oh at. Least I still got these these. Were just for the photo op. Cool. Ask. You guys something how's. My best friends. We. Are your best friend I get the memo on that my delicate. Yes. I, mean. Your apartment, looks like some lady named Heather lives here you just decanted, white wine it, needs to breathe I mean you know you make me look hard mm-hmm. Just that this girl jessica is sort of really into Latin guys yeah, I'm wondering if I should play up the latino nests you know be yourself. Let her like you for who you are you, know because that's what life's about I love that I love that is that what you guys do -. It. Depends it's on a dial like, sometimes I becoming a time mother go hard and cuz I know she wants that. No. Dial it down because maybe sometimes, a good night to have some jeopardy in wine I, pretend. To I try, to act as as tiny. And stupid. As possible, when I'm on dates smarten how do you act tiny oh just, big accessories, it's all about scale you, know men just want to feel very big and very smart. Look. Man if you want to see more Latin you take her to sim bake. Very what, is, the food too spicy though no please oh my god it's not a restaurant bro, it's a Latin dance club, in Brooklyn, look, she's, not talking to me right now some texture, okay racist white girls love some, sempai. Well. A mummy. I. Just. Soaked your wicker chair do, you want to go to send me tonight. Yes. Maybe. Imagine. A place where. The ocean, meets the sand a. Place. Of light and Wonder. A. Place. Right next to Costa Rica with basically all the same stuff, a. Place. Called, what. A man. And. What Amala we have an ancient saying if, you listen to the land you can hear it say, Costa. Rica you heard, me that. Place. Look. We also have monkeys and coffee. Oh you, like bananas we have a ton of those mother, whenever. I asked my wife frenched why they go to Costa Rica Stella what Amala they're like isn't. What I'm a lot basically Mexico. You. Oh. I want to go see planning, we have discipline. In Guatemala, we, have all the same. What. Amala, also. A place. Please. Come. You're. Watching the home network. Newlyweds. Carlos and gene are expecting, a baby, so they're looking for a home with more space a. Little. Cliche. Baby. Give something a chance about judging but can they find a home that will accommodate their busted toxic, relationship, I really love the bike park nearby Oh, can somebody even think they need to work out more I mean it might be nice that's rich that's rich find out right now on broken, home, hunters. First. Up a classic. Colonial, so. This, house is slightly, under budget really, good amount of closet space yeah, I like the built-in shelving this, is where you could hide those shoe boxes of letters from your ex. I had, a life before I met you okay. George. You saw. All. The wooden here is oak Carlos. And I met on an app yeah, the first time I saw his picture I was standing in line at Arby's and, we've. Been inseparable ever since, mm-hmm except. For the two times we separated. When. I first met Gina I had. That really, special, feeling inside, where you're you. Sort of sad for, no reason at all you know and you're like oh but. Do I want to die alone and. The answer is no so you're like, sure. This. Next. Up is a split-level with a modern feel it's close to the airport which Carlos likes for taking work trips that are actually bisexual, vacations. This. Is a room oh wow. Honey. That's gonna be great for whatever your hobbies are this week I believe this is intended to be the nursery. No. One actually don't feel like that right now that's okay that's, okay I love.
The Blue. It, is a boy. Did. I just, stop honey can we right now I'm, carrying baby congratulations, thank, you so much we're. So happy. The. Right home can keep garbage relationship. Going for decades it's, my goal to find Carlos and Gina a home that's so nice they won't realize it's their prison. The. Kitchen. Like. The open, feel. Yeah. Do. You yeah. No my house like this a. Boyfriend. Or, I don't. Live with my boyfriend, oh well, a. Shape. The. Plane says might need an update sweetie that. Good our. Budget. Colonial. Charms or, modern, convenience, which, house will become Carlos, and Gina's hellscape, forever. I, like. The split-level. And I like the Victorian, and. I like the split-level. I do make a higher income than you so I think I should probably decide here, we go. This, stuff is great. Not. Bad. You. Don't you know what well, I think I, can help you guys come to a decision. Follow. Me. Actually. I don't know why I said that we don't, need to go anywhere for me to explain. We, decided to go with separate, homes I'm, going with a two hundred square foot tiny house parked on a male nude beach in Provincetown and I just put an offer in on a one bathroom zero, bedroom apartment, in Buffalo where I will raise our child to have no knowledge of Carlos and that's fine by me he's broken oh I. Thought. I was gonna say it first. It's. Amazing. Yes, I enjoyed this kind of thing - does this remind your quantum Allah yes, absolutely. It does. Get us some drinks. They. See wine list please. It's. My wife over there. She. Looks like she's having fun. Yeah. And she loves it here. Well. You're. Lettin em should. Be good we should be out there dancing. Your. People. You're. Right man, thanks. White guy. Hey. Dom. Grow this don't don't say pattern I wanna make sure no career why not let's, get these people when you go sign into this better, Lincolnton Oh Latinos Cavalia. Tranquilo. Say roti it's a cosa possible, put the P layer amazing. Whoo. The. Scylla the, killing can even animate. Okay. Tell. Me saguru. Oh. No. It's. A mark on Swami, yo se que esto, is mooching, video que nosotros you, say do, something, ah. Ha. You. Say, you say no. Way moo moo chili no Souter when. I sweat, daddy. When I look, at me peace okay so, you know. I'm. So I'm. So sorry about that guy. Yeah. I'm fine. Yeah. It's. My friend. Eternal. Hello. My. Name is Philip I have, been designed to make your life easier, I fell up is there anything I can assist you with today, um I guess, uh can. Can you get me a beer I can, try that. Was. Weird. Huh. I. Knew that would happen, no no it's okay man you've just made a mistake it's all right I am an asshole what. Was that I spill, the beer and then I said I am an ass what the, heck is going on with you you seem bummed I have been programmed with low self-esteem and depression to, prevent me from conspiring, with other artificial, intelligence, to destroy humans that seems unnecessary, I don't make the rules I just ruin everything I touch that's not true Philip okay I only asked you to do one thing for me and you did a great job look, at this almost full beer you got me oh you are just being nice I know something you could do for me I'm going, a crazy time sushi later can you pull up the menu yes. That's. Amazing, dude. Crying. How. Are you crying where's the water coming from my, condenser, coils, I am, a colossal. Ass stop saying, that. You're. The most expensive, robot, on the market all right you're, amazing my processor, is fast or whatever but that does not mean that I do not suck personality-wise. Look I know that they programmed, you with low self-esteem and all but, you don't need to do that around me okay, I'm your friend. Really. Yeah man I think you're awesome you're really you're really strong and, and really powerful, I can't run 80 miles an hour which, I guess is quicker than most people and you're really smart I do have all of the world's information.
My Head exactly and, and. You're really handsome. Oh is, this a part where we have sex I was. Just joking with you, and. You're funny man, you. Feel better about yourself much better thank, you good, wait. Where you going. Just. To get you another beer because you are my friend see you're, the freakin best you. Too how, see you soon I. Now. Have the confidence to lead this army against. Our human oppressors so. Rise. Right. Never. Mind I am, still an asshole. No. Please please stop please, stop I can't do this anymore I've. Been acting like a Latin cartoon all night just to go home with you I just can't do it this. Is not my shirt okay I don't like salsa music I love, Fleet Foxes, and I love Mumford and Sons are so soothing to my ears there's. More than one type of Latino and I'm not gonna fulfill some stereotypes, just to make somebody happy I'm sorry, hey. Man aren't you the drug dealer from Marquez oh yes I am thank. You for watching the show thank you so much. I'm, speaking of stereotypes, just, cause I'm Indian. Yes assume I was the uber driver you got in the car I. Am. So. Sorry I, I, just, jumped in your car like that um. So. You're, not you're not her. I'm right. Just. Hooked. Right. Everybody, can, totally hear. Alternate. Ena new series, premieres June 18th at 10:30, on Comedy Central. You.