Well. This. Is where we rested. Our heads. We. Still don't really know what this room is but, all I do know is very. Spidery. Look. At this place. We're. Still very much in the ground of the. Chateau, just. A stone's throw from these buildings but. We. Really don't know what this building. Is. What's. Its purpose. Either. Way it was our bedroom last night so. Look. At it. Could. Have had a room each yeah. Thanks. To some last-minute, negotiations the. Night before today. Would be a crucial, day firstly. We had to get to a town called brig, where, we had to child's, scooters, waiting, for us courtesy of our next subscriber, Leo, with. These scooters, we plan to hitchhike up to the dizzying, heights of the simplon, pass before. Rolling, 15. Miles down, to the Italian border. Dangerous. Probably. But, we badly needed, not to die during nap because waiting for us further downstream. Was, another young man called, Ayrton, who, had an even bigger treat, for us in store in the shape of two old kayaks. It, was imperative that we reached Ayrton, by nightfall for, everyone's, sake before. Kayaking off towards, the colossal, lake maggiore, where, we aim to find ourselves another, innovative. Place to sleep yeah. Safe. To say today, was a tall order so, although, we would have quite liked to have figured out what the hell this place was we. Had to get moving. Let's get out of it. We. Quickly freshened, ourselves, up and headed. On down into, town for some breakfast, and planning, which, began with an unexpected, text. From Leo who we were planning to meet in brick this. Is his text so. I just stashed the two scooters, safely, in a locker at Briggs train station, the. Locker number is, one to five and you'll, find the key by going left when, entering through the main entrance and, walking. Up to the photo box, ting presumably, he means that where you take your passport, photos the keys inside a fisherman's, friend, mint, packet in. The crack between the wall and we left the box -. Yeah. That's it so whether we'll find out whether it's still there whether. A member of staff like a cleaner has just tucked up who, knows but that's, what we're faced with the other worrying thing is is, the weather down, on the Italian, side of the pass where we're meant to be kayaking down a river. Is. Apparently. According to the guy who's, supplying.
The Kayaks very. Windy and stormy. So. That that. Could also be a problem so. Off we, headed to see a train, station oh shut. Up I. Was. Hopeful, I mean if we could convince this woman it was nighttime once. What. Then. Surely, we could convince some ball ticket man not to give us a fine, we. Are actually a bit nervous now because, trains, are a lot smaller, than we thought a big very, compact, and very intimate, we're, just gonna play dumb you just be like oh the. Lady in the B&B said we could play on the train. Our. Plan was to spot, the ticket guy head, to the other side of the train and sit there obliviously, what, you saw. Fuck. You both go to the toilet. That. Plan lasted, long -. Shit man. But. A new laboratory-based, plan, seemed, solid enough every. Minute that passed it, felt less and less likely that we'd be rumbled, until. Off-camera. We heard a loud firm. Authoritative. Knock, on the thin toilet, door followed, closely by some stern words and you, didn't have to speak much French to figure out what they meant. Quickly. Greg thought on his feet and took action while, I stayed hidden. Can, you get off in the next. As, soon as we heard the first announcement, for Visp Greg boldly, opened, the toilet door to leave. With. The coast clear he, headed over to wherever, the ticket man wasn't and as, the train came to an absolute, stop I followed. It. Seemed we'd got away with it again with, only a few dodgy looks my end and one, woman near Greg who had alerted. The ticket man of his toilet, exit, yeah. I just walked down the carriage as far as I could. You. Should be all right now yeah. I, think. We did well to get out of that one alive to be honest but. It's hitchhike time again I guess, unless. We walk oh well. There's the sign to brick so that's a start looks, like we've got one train. Stop that very terrifying, train stuff we're, now in German, territory. This. Meant that Greg was now effectively. Useless, at communicating, with people and I was suddenly useful, at, least with the discovery, of this ring he now had the ability, to propose. To a beautiful, woman to a gorilla. It's gotta be done my. We, waited, for 23. Minutes before. Rafaela a 58. Year old interior. Designer, invited. Us into her car where, my German skills were already being put to the test. Lesson. 1 where. Are you from, lesson. 2 discuss. The complex issue of the migrant, crisis, in Europe. Lovely. Lady Rafaela, but she's dropped us off in BRIC. Now. Let's. See if we can find this elusive. Mysterious. Fishermen's. Friend packet. Look. There. Is a photo. Okay. We're gonna need to get the phone out if we're to get the map out. Oh don't, worry they, don't usually control, that line. Bullshit, Lia. He's. Inside. Fisherman's, Friend Minh pack it in the crack between the wall and the left box, to the left, aha, hey ma is the crack between the wall here. Okay. And the spiderwebs, off.
Leo You're. A legend Mike we. Went off in search of the lockers like two excitable. Year 7s, on their first day at school. But. Just like a year seven I had, some difficulty, opening it. It. Took the teachings, of an older wiser man, to guide me towards success. Oh boy. And, then proceeded to laugh at our possessions. If. You're watching this which. I hope you are. That's. Ingenious, and. With that we bid our old master, lockpick farewell, go. And. Shut. Out onto the sun-baked. Tarmac, wheels, pointing, straight for the mountains. We. Continued, north along the smooth slate footpaths, of bricks shopping, district. Before. Popping, out on the picturesque, cobbles, of the town square, ah. Yes. Where we ghusl down points, of fresh mountain, water from the fountain. Just. After this but, before this Wow. We'd, actually scooted. Past, Rafaela confusing. The shit out of her most likely that's, just level isn't it and before. Too long we'd reach the point of which the mountain road sprouts. Away from the edge of town. Ahoy. Later the. Ideal place for us to hitch what was our most important. Ride yet, that. Smells good man. Cheddar. Cheese. We. Had contemplated, sneaking, into this water park but decided, that neither of us could bear the idea of our only potential, lift driving, past while we were in there overcautious. Well. What, actually happened, was even more far-fetched but. We'll get to that with. A kebab shop pizza box a lid which we found in a bin we began what I thought would be a straightforward hitchhike. Italy. Here we come. Well. There ain't as many cars on this road but I'm hoping, that in this, remote mountain location. They're. More likely to stop but. As, the minutes rolled by so. Did the cars and as, you watch these clips you can actually see, the hope drain, from our faces. It. Wasn't long before we found ourselves wishing, we'd asked that bloke at the bus stop for some of his Cheonggye cheddar to help pass the time, I've. Only enough it's bollocks wait let's just get the bus. There's. A slow moving for. Some reason, there's, a hell of a lot of busses but, no one seems, to be travelling towards the simplon pass don't.
Really Know why there's hardly this is the way we found out we've asked people this is the way there's no Italian, cars, there's no Italian number plates so it's quite confusing how. About this guy. No. We're, not going up there see. Some. Time later Greg, asked a local man if he could look at his Google Maps to see if there was a better spot anywhere nearby and, the upshot was that there, was. There's. A joy. On to that road we need to go let's do it a. Trek. In this searing, heat and with this little sleep was, a grim thought but, the cool mist from this water gun and the prospect, of a naughty shortcut. Got us going again cut. Up here I think. Scooters. In hand. One. Thing Greg and I had taken from our younger days was that even the briefest of missions could throw up a surprise and in, the middle of this confusing. Little patchwork, of fields, we, stumbled across a shrine, a, shrine. To our childhood. Mate. Yeah. That's. It. Wicked. Love. It would. Have been well proud of this might when we were thirsty. We. Made good use of our newly, claimed den by scouting, out the least trespassing. Route ahead, I think. This it's Gardens on the left but I think on the right we can get through. Yeah. You're pretty low like, before. Popping, back out on the road 20, minutes later than we would have done if we'd have just followed it, then. An issue. The. Layout of the junction itself offered. No chance for cars to pull over, meaning, we were effectively, stuck, back on the same road as we were before yeah. That's no good, getting. Stranded here in the Rhone Valley was, now in my mind a big possibility. But. It wasn't an option because. Over in Italy Ayrton. And his pals were getting ready to spend the entire afternoon, carrying. Our two kayaks, over. A kilometer, down to the river from, his house there. Was no way we were letting these kids down so, I decided. To leave Gregg in search of a better spot further down the motorway, aller, by perhaps, a service, station or even just a better Junction. It. Was a bad idea. Dangerous. Unfruitful. An almost. Sunstroke. Inducing. A completely. Futile, jaunt which, ended. Up taking me through part of a fully functioning, quarry. Dehydrated. Dusty. And spent, I headed, back to Gregg to drink an unfair, share of our remaining water right. We've settled for this spot. It's. Good enough they can pull over here, just. Got to hope and pray now that we get this lift this. Is without. And, that. Just about summed up our day plenty. Of gesturing, and apologies, from the locals, but, no one heading up that mountain road. Until. After. Nearly three, and a half hours since we first donned, the sign. A. Swiss. Savior, was called Tom, beekeeper. By evening. Chiropractor. By day and, again. Incredibly. Friendly generous, all-round. Good guy. Off-camera. He told us that he'd actually driven, past us on his way into brig three, hours earlier and that he'd said to himself if, those poor guys are still there when I Drive back I'll pick, him up thank. God for Tom and thank. God we didn't piss around in that water park we'd, probably still be stuck at the foot of these mountains, and instead, we, were enjoying the breathtaking views, from up on top of them and most, importantly, on schedule. To meet Ayrton. It's like misunderstanding. But. Aside from exposing. Greg's mild, dyslexia, Tom. Also had some sincere. Concerns, regarding, our plan to scooter, down a road like this. Let's. Face it he had a point but. We didn't spend four francs on that locker for nothing, and. We were gonna try our best to make these scooters an integral, part of our adventure. Thanks. So much Tom. All the best thanks so much. Dean, being a lovely guy. I'm. Just happy to be a mate who, might you put. This godforsaken piece. Of shit in here. Good. Riddance right. We're. At the highest point here I think so.
It's, Caught ourselves down. Yeah. This. Is what I'm talking about Mike, high. Up in the cool fresh, air of the apex, of the simplon, pass the. Road was gentle, and quiet the tarmac, smooth as anything, hello. And. This. Crazy plan, seemed to be working but, very soon we found ourselves hurtling. Down into the valley where the gradients, became, deceivingly. Steep bark, it out Oh God. It, became, very hard not, to reach a speed at which the SCOOTER, wobbled violently. And because, along, with the breathtaking views, there were some, lorries we, were keen not, to go flying into the road this. Is bizarre. The. Solution, to this terrifying, thought was to keep our rear feet wedged, firmly, on a thin, metal brakes, which, created, another, problem Oh. God. The tarmac, in places, were so damn smooth, that, it took almost all of our strength to stay in control, right slow down man. Fucking. Lunatic, but. We were having so much fun that we totally, ignored the possible implications, of such an insane, amount of friction, that was heavenly. The. Unbearable, noise that you can now hear is, Greg's, rear wheel scraping, against, the now superheated. Strip of aluminium that had been forced against it for the past mile and a half nada. I was. About to find out just how hot it had become. Really. The. Plastic, on Greg's foot is melting, the, rubber is melting, because. And. What's happen to the wheel. Nah. Mate. No. No no no no mate. Fuck. Me, why do I touch that if, my soul, was melting. When. You put starts to get hot, stop. With. No tap to run my blistering, fingers, under we, resumed, our epic descent, Greg scooter becoming, more and more deafening. With each sweeping, Bend. Seriously. Harming the hearing of confused, innocent, bystanders. As we've stopped for regular cooldowns. Jesus. Wet get. That away from her. For. Most people these incredible, views would be enough to find pleasuring but, not us. Why. Hold. It. Oh. One. Of the only niggling, thoughts in my mind except. Being ambushed by an aroused, eagle were, the tunnels, that Tom had warned us off but, it wasn't an issue thanks. To the sanctuary of this lovely, smooth path. Yeah. We're. Finally, we were blessed with fresh, running, water. Like. That. Was absolutely. Steven, all. We needed now was an egg but. We were never gonna find one of those. Oh. What's. Again filthy self walk though. Wow. Unbelievably. Just, two miles down this remote. Vehicle. As melting, Road was, a chicken farm complete. With its own, self-service. Refrigerated. Egg bar a concept. So bizarre, it, took a while to sink in here's. The deal we're gonna buy six eggs from, this, self-service. Egg bar. I'm. Gonna go flat out flat. Out down here, see if we can cook bits. Of egg on Greg's, scooter, and they're. Actually quite hungry. So. This. Way your spits bean as well. Cheers. Oh. Here. We go my fucking, cook the thing cook, it. Shit. I hope I don't fall with these. Turn, air. That. Didn't work I. Put. The egg oh, that. Is a disaster, okay there, we go there we go right. I'm. Not sure that's worked. We. Write a bit of a mess as well. It's. Not it's not as hot is it no that breaks not knowing. Near top might some, reason it's being like fix and what I make. What. The, wheels fucked. The. Wheels broke. Shit. John, I spotted, that's what I think that has cooked a bitter. Bloody. Well did it. Already. With. Greg's rear wheel and this poor man's Drive now in a terrible, state, we gracefully, swept our way into what would regrettably, be the last stop, for our brave little scooters. The. Picturesque, mountain, village of Simplon Dorf where, Greg quickly, established, himself as, the laughingstock of the village. Look, at look at this twat. But. At, the heart of its enchanting, cobbled, streets was the village square oh yeah. We're after stopping for quite literally, the best sandwich I've ever had best, sandwich. Ever. We. Thought about our next move, starting. With what to do with these I was, still there might unfortunately. I think. They've been I'm gonna rubbish tip them their only. Problem. Was apart, from us it was a pretty childless. Town, the only real inhabitants. Were cultured, short-haired, middle aged women called Bettina but, we had to leave them somewhere I mean. Mines going here I don't like yours but, mine. Simply, has to go there it really does it really don't and that's where it's gonna stay forever more. You're. Gonna. Lumber that with. That's. The end of that boy. Simplon on. To the next little chapter. It. Was now gone four o'clock and we were still 40, miles from Ayrton, and the kayaks, who, are now relying heavily on a lift again but this time we had no sign and an increasingly. Hazardous road, to deal with. Hunger. For the tunnel I feel it worked bit yep oh. Fuck. It yes, they. Don't seem too bothered. With, no protest, from the workers, we decided to walk the tunnel in our search for a good hitchhiking, spot but when we finally popped out it was more of the same dangerous.
Tunnels With no chance of car stopping but. Then we noticed something that is, the way we need to go towards dama de sola through. The gorge and down, towards Lake Maggiore so, basically we're gonna cut, right, the way down through these fields. Straight. Line mission. Swiss. Border, special. Pretty. Steep drop here Oh. Buzzing. Oh. Yeah. Wonderful. Don't. Mind us officer, we, have been up to no arm we haven't it. Was another successful, shortcut. Mission. And. Our reward a perfect. Hitchhiking, spot this. Is our spot hopefully. This can get us right, down this valley into Italy to, the kayaks which. Are waiting patiently, for us much-needed. Cardboard, was kindly, donated, by the lovely lady at the restaurant, you can see in the background this. Is my latest piece. It's. Called. Desperation. But. It was now once again in the hands of the Alpine gods I sang, a silly song to keep myself entertained. All right putting over sounds. A pound but. It. Worked. So. Speaking. Of it. Don't, was a solar. This. Is Alfio, a reserved. But wise old fellow who was actually on his way back from Geneva, where, he'd been designing, cars. The. DaVinci of cars. As. Greg's first ever taste of Italy drew nearer we, enjoyed, spectacular. Views of the Gondo, gorge where, Alfio, confessed. His strong disliking. For a certain, English market, town. We're. Crossing into, Italy. First. Time in Italy for Greg. Not. A bad first impression to, have either he, was truly a stunning, Valley but. I was still concerned about finding Ayrton, and the kayaks we were just about on schedule, to meet him but with only a rough map, based memory, of the exact point on the river at which we'd agree to meet there, was still question, marks over how easily we'd, find it and all, it took was a slight, misunderstanding between. Ourselves and, Alfio, and we, found ourselves in another pickle. Feos. Accidental. Overshot, meant, that we were 2.5. Miles downstream, of. Ayrton it was now a case of utilizing. Every, ounce of our combined, directional. Skills and missioning, experience, to get back up that valley and to the kayaks before, dark, forests. Did their best to disorientate. Us but. Inevitably. There, was only one result. My, god you're professional, and, trying my best. We'd. Found and followed the river to Ayrton and his friends, and only 30 minutes over schedule. Some. Eggs okay. Why. You bought them because his. Scooter was so hot that, we cooked an egg on his scooter. Honestly. If, we take these they're just gonna they're gonna get smashed yeah they're gonna air probably so I, mean, either cook, is a professional. Cook so. We. Spent a hilarious, few minutes with Ayrton and his chums attempting. To park our kayaks but, unfortunately, we had to set sail. With. A heave and a push and a dose of terrible, Italian, from Greg.
We. Were away. See. Ya almost. Thanks. Everyone for your efforts. You're. All legends, oh. Fuck. I'm beached. Push. Me oh. Jesus. Not, that hard fuck it out. Yeah. Yeah. Thanks. Man see ya, arrivederci. I. Feel. Amazing. The. Next chapter of the adventure, is. Underway. Now. We've just got to find a good place to sleep. Good. Place to get some grub it's eight o'clock now. So. We need to get our skates on. Get. To the lake which is about three kilometers away and. Tomorrow. Conquer, the bulk of Lake Maggiore. Which. We haven't got a clue what it looks like. Should. Be in for a treat, the. Remaining two miles of the river were calm deep, and some, of the most peaceful moments. I'd had in years I think, it. Felt like the river was all ours, around, each Bend a different, place all to ourselves to, drift silently, through. Until. Inevitably, it started, to open up into. Lake Maggiore. It. Was a beautiful, moment as it was and then. We turned around we. Didn't. Even realize, that that was behind us. That. Is just. It. Really feels like we're leaving a beautiful day behind us and. Sort. Of careering. Into pastures, new. Yeah. Kuririn into the darkness the, uncertainty. Of the darkness we, decided to follow the shore around to the left, beckoned, by the glow of distant. Towns when our attention was caught by a curious, sound skimming. Its way across the surreal, silver. Surface of the lake. Yeah. It. Sounded, like some sort of remote control, speedboat. But there were more lights and general buzz coming from that area and with, darkness imminent, we were keen to go and check it out. Leaving. Our kayaks, and bags on a secluded little, beach we, snuck over to what we thought was either a lakeside leisure. Center, or a sort of family campsite. To scout it out but, it was even better. What. We'd stumbled, on to was the Sun Lounger, strewn beach of a lakeside Holiday. Park it's, fucking huge it's, a holiday home smells. Gorgeous it smells like garlic and it's fucking amazing the. More exploring. We did the more its size and grandeur, overwhelmed. And excited us I mean. Could, we sleep in there. This. Is incredible. It.
Was Actually too good, just. Figured out you need wristbands, to be in air we. Were unable to enjoy, the facilities or mingle, with the local Germans, so, we began searching for, our bed for the night. But. It was just too efficient. And establishment. Which explains, the high numbers of said Germans, so, with, a clear sky above us we, decided to sleep on the Sun Loungers the, only thing was we were fucking ravenous, and without, wristbands, we risked food. Rejection. And even, Park ejection. But, it didn't matter our hunger, was too immense so, he hatched a plan. Greg's. Gone to scout it out see, if we can get Peter, we. Might get Rumble cuz we haven't got wristbands. So. We'll say well. We're in. I'm truly and in our long sleeve is boiling hot. But. A long. Hard-fought. Day was duly, rewarded and, our wristband, lessness was, rightfully, ignored we, could head back in, the dead of night to the sun loungers with a full stomach and by, god we'd, need it tomorrow you. Can't. See anything but we're surrounded by sun loungers on. The, beach here and. We're. Gonna sleep on one, hopefully. Hopefully, so. Providing, it doesn't rain or. The choppy security, guard that we saw earlier, doesn't. Come. Patrolling then. We. Should be alright he's really warm out here it's fucking lovely see. You in the morning. We. Could get ourselves in a really bad way if we're not careful today. The, crush in a wedding. Fucking. Hell. Job. Done. Oh my. You.